My Half-Assed Review of Transformers: Dark of the Moon

I got the image off of google. It's not mine. 

Transformers: Dark of the Moon

Michael Bay

USA (2011) 

I have no idea what the story was about, but I have to admit I was full of malicious glee as I watched Chicago get massacred by the Decepticon invasion. It was so satisfying especially after the piles of shit that city heaped on me during 2009-2010. However, when I set aside my dislike for the Windy City, I have to admit, it looked great. Between Transformers: Dark of the Moon and the Dark Knight, Chicago seems to be booming. 


But back to the point. Overall, our hero Shia Lebeouf (Sam Witwicky) cries a lot, which might put some people off this film, especially if you, like most people, think Lebeouf is a whiny bitch.  But me, I LOVE Shia, he is the perfect actor for these types of big hollywood monstrosities. He looked quite dapper throughout and gave a solid performance so I really enjoy watching him. 


Now, Megan Fox 2.0 is a bit of a different story. We all know Michael Bay likes his actresses, dumb, hot and willing to endure vicious verbal assaults. But this Rosie Huntington-Whitely was pure garbage. I don't mean to hate on the girl, she's beautiful, and statuesque and all. But her acting nearly ruined the film for me. There is no character development and she ends up being the random chick who does a lot of slow-motion walking, posing and lip-pursing. They should have just axed the whole love/relationship aspect to the film. I know it is part of the 'formula' but no one pays $12.50 to see Transformers: Dark of the Moon in 3D on opening night for the relationship banter dribbled out of the mouths of shitty (but hot) actresses. They should have just blown her up. For real. 


But I am probably focusing on the worst thing about Transformers. The acting. The special effects are obviously awesome and will force a smile out of even the most jaded movie goer. But, the aspect of this film that deserves respect, even from the most hard nosed film critics is the sound design. It is absolutely outstanding. This film felt completely 3D even with out the glasses thanks to some incredibly talented sound mixers and designers. Hats off to you boys and girls. Oscar worthy? Probably. 


Sure, Transformers is BLS (big, loud, and stupid) film that caters to our American need for escapism. Hipsters will think this film is lame and every day people will think it's the best film they have ever seen. It is neither. It isn't 'cinema' (in the classical sense) but it isn't garbage either. It is a very real reflection on our society and if you look at it like that, you might see through the BLS and find something a bit more interesting...


D+ For cinematic competency 
A+ For mindless awesomeness. 
So..i guess a C... I don't know. it is hard to grade. The student of film/professional filmmaker side of me wants to hate it, but the 12 year old girl/movie lover inside of me wants to love it.